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Chit Chat > You Can Share Your Jokes Here,Come On In

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GodAndUlsterPost has 0 Like and 0 Dislike | Posted at 2020-10-30 11:54:46(16 hrs ago)


Posts: 223

United Kingdom



[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"That's great," said the surgeon.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get am aroused, I also get a headache.[/font]

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GodAndUlsterPost has 0 Like and 0 Dislike | Posted at 2020-10-30 11:55:32(16 hrs ago)


Posts: 223

United Kingdom



[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."[/font]

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GodAndUlsterPost has 0 Like and 0 Dislike | Posted at 2020-10-30 11:56:32(16 hrs ago)


Posts: 223

United Kingdom



[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"What are you doing?" she asked.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Love dress? But you're naked!"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"What are you doing?" he asked.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"Needs ironing," he said :Mr.G[/font]

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GodAndUlsterPost has 0 Like and 0 Dislike | Posted at 2020-10-30 11:57:23(16 hrs ago)


Posts: 223

United Kingdom



[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]A father took his young son with him to the bank to take care of some transactions. Since it was lunchtime, and the bank branch was downtown, there were a number of business people in line ahead of them. The father dutifully got into the rope chutes to wait for the next available teller.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Standing in front of them was a female executive type, wearing the latest in corporate fashion and carrying a leather briefcase with a matching leather purse slung over her shoulder. There was a pager clipped to the purse, and the woman was quite large.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]After standing in line for a few minutes, the son, pointing to the woman ahead, remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]His father, surprised and embarrassed, chastised his son for saying things that might hurt someone else's feelings. "Ssshh, don't say things like that, it isn't nice."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]A few minutes later, almost to the front of the line, the son again remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]The father, this time more sternly, replied, "Be quiet, we are almost done here. We'll talk about this when we get home."[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Just at that moment, the woman's pager went off. beep..beep..beep..beep[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]With that the son yells, "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!![/font]

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GodAndUlsterPost has 0 Like and 0 Dislike | Posted at 2020-10-30 11:58:18(16 hrs ago)


Posts: 223

United Kingdom



[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Paddy from the Falls Road goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a pros-titute. He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]"£100," she replies.[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]So he asks, "Okay do you do West Belfast style?"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]She says "No!"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it West Belfast style?"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]She again says no, not knowing what West Belfast style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go West Belfast style with me!"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could West Belfast style be?"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]So she goes ahead and has it with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the she turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'West Belfast style' come in?"[/font]

[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Paddy replies . . . "I'll pay you next week [/font]

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GodAndUlsterPost has 0 Like and 0 Dislike | Posted at 2020-10-30 11:59:05(16 hrs ago)


Posts: 223

United Kingdom



[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]In a trial, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the witness stand.[/font]
[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”[/font]
[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”[/font]
[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]The lawyer was stunned.[/font]
[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”[/font]
[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]She again replied, “Yes, I certainly do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”[/font]
[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]The defense attorney nearly died.[/font]
[font=Ubuntu, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial]The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet and low voice he said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair[/font]

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GodAndUlsterPost has 0 Like and 0 Dislike | Posted at 2020-10-30 21:43:29(6 hrs ago)


Posts: 223

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[font="Proxima Nova Regular", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif][/font]

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